How do I let down a friend gently?

SCENARIO:

Emily has just moved states and schools. She's eager to make new friends. The good news is that she got invited to two different Halloween events, but she's much more interested in going to one event over the other. How does she decide and then tell the other friend her decision without her getting mad?

COACHES RESPONSE:

After talking, we get down to the thoughts and feelings causing this scenario to be a challenge. Then we break it down and put it into a "model"*.

ORIGINAL MODEL:

• Circumstance: You've been invited to two events on the same day.

• Thought: This is going to be so hard to let one of them down, but I don't want to go to event B. It's not that I don't want to go, it's that I want to go with the friends at event A more.

• Feeling: Frustrated and a little annoyed that I have to make such a decision because it will mean that one of them is going to be mad about my decision.

• Action: I don't make a decision and they are both asking me what I'm doing and getting annoyed with me for not knowing yet.If I don't figure this out, I won't be able to go to either event and I'll still be with no friends.

• Result: I'm a little distant with both friends because I'm avoiding them until I can figure this out.

MAIN LESSON:

Now that we've gotten the ideas out of her brain, we try to figure out what we want our thoughts, feelings and actions to look like and why either decision is ok. The first thing we discuss is how we have no control over anyone else's thoughts, so we can not be held responsible for "letting someone down." That is the choice of the other person - how they react to a scenario is not for us to worry about.

Emily says she wants to go to Event A, but she feels like it would let down friend for Event B. That thought is not helping her. Your brain will try to tell you should feel guilty for letting that friend down, but she doesn't have to accept that thought. Stick with what you know in your gut, and love yourself and both friends enough to be who you want to be without defending yourself.

NEW MODEL:

• Circumstance: You've been invited to two events on the same day.

• NEW THOUGHT: I can make the plans that suit me, and my friends' reactions are not my business.

{Now this can sound harsh if you aren't familiar with this type of work, but we cannot change how someone perceives us or thoughts they have about something, so we choose a thought that comes from a place of self-love. It doesn't mean we can't tell Event B friend how much it means that she invited us, and express hope that they can do something else together very soon. This does not ever mean it's an excuse to be mean. It's merely the definition of self-love - taking care of ourselves without hurting others}

• NEW FEELING: Empowered, open, free to choose

• NEW ACTION: Express love and appreciation to Event B friend, but enjoy the night without regret or resentment.

• NEW RESULT: Two new friends who love me and the start of something fun.

*The "model" is a tool created for Life Coaches by Brooke Castillo, The Life Coach School.